An Unremarkable Homecoming

Looming ahead The House is quiet, still vast and mysterious yet somehow shrunken and cast in gloom. The boss lady has left me the keys to the house with a stern warning not to burn the place down. I get the feeling this is some kinda caretaking gig but with traumatic childhood memories of the shining still haunting the recesses of my mind I have resolved myself to a higher goal I’m gonna try and bring the house back to life. I have some assistance the Warlock has promised a new batch of interns but I haven’t seen him for a while he went off muttering about non symbiotic mutations and growing a new batch. I was about to ask what he meant by grow but decided against it follow up questions at the house rarely lead to comforting answers.

It’s strange coming through the front door the intricate series of defences that keeps the House safe from the world (or the world safe from the house I’ve never been a hundred percent sure) are inert, the laser defence array lies silent the guard towers already look dilapidated looming from the new years mist like head stones in a deserted graveyard. It’s strange I was here only a few months ago but they look like they have been unused from hundreds of years maybe not so strange when you consider all the xenos tech, arcane devices and general experimentation into temporal anomalies and such like that has occurred in the grounds of this hallowed institution, maybe here time doesn’t work quite the normal way anymore or maybe this is how time really works running away while no one’s looking.

Well enough introspection and on with the task at hand I thread my way through the entrance way and make a be line for the Drive room I carefully skirt my round the basement it’s quiet but still no use taking unnecessary risks a lot of plumbers learned that the hardest way possible.

I pass Sinsynns pen Its starting to rust and the floor is barely sticky at all!




Finally I make it to the Drive room. Right let’s start the plasma containment field up, get the cyclonic regenerating chamber spinning and while the photonic injector array heats up we will prime the gravatonic pumps that needs to reach 1,500,000.00 bar and it’s currently at



Bugger that’s gonna take a while .Well while we wait I’m gonna take this opportunity to take you a but deeper into the World of DC. warning things could get very strange from here on in The House of Paincakes can in no way be held responsibility for any injury to Body, Mind or Soul that may occur when reading this and the reader assume all liability for any loss arising from consideration of any information contained with in you have been warned!

Well it’s been quite a tumultuous few months for me in my cover identity as Joe. I live in a strange little seaside town called Felixstowe on the East Coast of the United Kingdom which has a strange dichotomy of being a quaint Victorian Sea side resort surrounded by two areas of out standing natural beauty Constable country to the south (the landscapes that John Constable painted) and the forest heathland and Estuaries of the Suffolk coast to the North and is also home to one of the largest container ports in the world



That’s me at work masquerading as a respectable besuited member of the human race at 1 am in the ladies bathroom, I told you this was gonna get strange! Taken on my fancy pants new shiny samsung note tablet. No I’m not some kinda weird fetishist, hang on I’m getting ahead of myself let’s rewind a few months. I recently well about four months ago split with She who must be obeyed it was a long time coming and has been very amicable but it has left me in a position of having very little in the way of commitments and responsibilities and left a fair bit of time for hobbying which in turn has allowed me to keep regular contact with my Step son who went and turned 16 years old with out so much as a “please” or a “by your leave”. I’m not sure what he’s playing at cause I’m sure it wasn’t 5 minutes ago he was 4 years old and waiting for me to get home from work so we could play X box together oh god I feel old!!!


So after turning my life upside down I decided that wasn’t quite enough and went and got into an hours of work dispute with my employers won’t bore you with the details but it prompted me to apply for a whole bunch of jobs and I landed one as the night manager of a fairly posh hotel hence the suit and why I’m in the ladies room (one of my duties is to check all the toilets) and they have much better mirrors than the gents. Well I took the job figuring it’s better to work in a posh hotel than on a muddy caravan park not realising that the main job of the night staff is to clear away functions and do the set up for the following days events, well I started mid November just in time for the X mas season which for most of December meant 4 course silver service affairs for about 250 a night now that might not sound too bad but 250 people for 4 courses is 2000 pieces of cutlery which have to be polished and placed with precision and, as this is a hotel and it’s usually 4 am by the time we’ve cleared out last night’s function laid out and clothed the tables, total silence then your gonna need 250 each of  side plates,coffee cup, saucer and tea spoons 1000 glasses and fancy pants pain the arse to fold napkins for everybody and finally chairs well so much for an easy job!.


On top of that my car blew up but handily due to that working hours dispute I walked out of my last job with a nice lump sum hence the new tablet and models but I have enough to get a reasonable car now if I can just get the time to go look at some I might even buy one


Hobby wise I’ve some what stalled on painting having an entire Aleph Army to paint and some Nomad Zonds are still in box waiting to be built however i have been playing a lot of Infinity I’ve fleshed out my Pan O and Nomads forces that I got in the Ice storm starter to 300 or so points each and built up an Aleph Army.  However I am having a great deal of trouble getting the Aleph to work on the table top maybe putting Penthesilea and Atlanta with a Marut’s and a Sophotects into the same list doesn’t work I’m gonna grab the steel Phalanx box set and try something a bit different. My Pan O I’m loving though all I did was chuck a Cutter tag in to the Ice storm contents and made a couple of the Fussiliers into specialists and the invisible Killertron does the business every time.  Although he got him self into a bit of a scrape today



There he was hanging out all invisible on a roof top waiting for the just the right moment to decloak and reap havoc with his armour piercing heavy machine gun. When some dirty low life with a heavy flamer thrower intuitive attacks his ASS, forcing a dodge roll which resulted in him falling off the rooftop and landing in a nasty interlocking field of fire from 2 Jotum TAG’s being a canny (CUNTY😉) fellow of prestigious beard length my opponent used his last 2 orders to stick both TAG’S on suppressive fire and ended his turn with a maniacal cackle intending to ARO me death. Well faced with a numerically superior better armoured opponents he did what any rational stompy robot of death would do and attempted to shoot his way out after the first attempt I realised quite how out gunned he was rolling 4 dice to opponents 6 was not a recipe for a long life so risking a free shot he used the first part of his next order to move out of line of sight of one taking a bunch of shots that all ricochet of his armour and leaving him to take an unopposed round of shooting at the other taking two wounds of it with the last order of the game he manages to destroy one Jotum squeaking out a victory on points thank god for expensive Pan O models.



And with that the pump reach the correct pressure the system all start to blink into life and the lights go back on and we shall step neatly back into the tangential paradoxical reality of the House


So denizens of the house, writers past and present, commentators, lurkers, riff raff and hangers on or god help you interns I am sending out the signal


What have you been up to, any new years resolutions (still unbroken) what’s keeping you away from the house, what Hobby projects have got you tied up,  what game system is tickling your nerd gland just right. Well I have a whole load of purple robes to get laundered.









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  • The Warlock

    Good to hear you’re on an upswing DC, the hotel sounds far better than the caravan park if you don’t mind my saying so. There must be a veritable army of workers if 2000 pieces of cutlery is the norm O.O Also it’s great that you’re keeping in touch with your steppie 🙂 Time really does fly, 2015 must’ve had like, 3 months in it. Four tops.

    We need more infinity posts, it’s been too long since we’ve had a proper batrep 😀 I don’t blame the Cutter pilot for dodging off the roof, fire is hot! Boobie horn means tea break right? Power couplings are finally installed so the Laser Defense Grid should be fully operational tomorrow morning. The first batch of interns were defective, a bunch of homeodomain protein issues so it’ll just be some good ol’ fashioned saproling growing until we find the Wrangling Net to catch more interns.

    Malifaux is scratching the hobby itch for me, I’m lined up for a tournament this Saturday possibly rocking a Lilith crew if it gets here (I somehow clicked ‘pick up at cancon’ instead of ‘post this shit’). For some reason Steampunk + Wild West + H.P. Lovecraft satisfies my need for a “generic fantasy” wargame setting as opposed to just Steampunk. There is a box of arcanists needing assembly but the fancy base-inserts don’t get here until the 28th.

    • Dragons Claw

      HEY Warlock yeah I’m feeling quite upbeat about life right now well I was till I woke up with a head full of snot and coughing up large chunks lung.

      I keep planning on doing some Bat reps but then forget to take pics infinity throws up so many great moments like my akal commando who air dropped in shrugs off half a dozen ARO shots then cooly guns down a tag and a pair of heavy infantry turns around and gets picked off at extreme range by a 10 point chump camping on the back row or the unarmoured medic making 10 armour saves in a row from a sniper then killing her patient when she fluffs what should have been an easy roll.

      My army of workers is 3 of us usually only 2 at a time

  • Bush Craft

    Been a hell of a year for everyone by the sounds of it! I’ll save the details of mine for whenever I can scrape up time for a post. Hopefully soon, but of course just as I clear up some business life drops some more on my lap…

    MOAR Infinity!

    • Dragons Claw

      Hey good to hear from ya it’s been a while.

      Yeah I’m absolutely loving infinity and my pimping is starting to pay off in spades I’ve managed to convert a couple of Magic the Gathering players which feels like a special victory and even rarer I had a lady gamer come into the store Sunday very intreagued by cat girl medics.

      Hope all is well with you and the family and that life slows down to a comfortable pace soon.

      • Bush Craft

        Infinity is very female-friendly, seems to have a much higher percentage of players than other systems.

    • Thuloid

      I’m playing a bit of Infinity at Adepticon, end of March, but I haven’t had an actual game in months. Could go very badly.

      • Dragons Claw

        Have you not got spawn of Thuloid playing infinity yet he should be spotting ARO ‘ before he can crawl I think it’s just in the developmental progress chart right after “can hold up own head” 😉

        • Thuloid

          Depends. Is “figure goes in mouth” an ARO?

          • Dragons Claw

            Yes and a viable and very underused tactic 😲

      • Bush Craft

        I haven’t played since May. Or touched a mini. For reals. My hobby desk is paused in mid-work with dust on pieces and brushes, its like a museum.

  • Cedric Ballbusch

    I don’t think I even touched a paintbrush in 2015, let alone got around to gaming anything.

    Working in a hotel always sounded like fun to me, haven’t gotten around to doing it yet though.

    • Dragons Claw

      Don’t worry most of 2012 2013 were like that for me.

      I kinda enjoy working in a hotel although the younger staff the kitchen porters and waitresses seem to have more fun and a lot of them live in being an edwardian built hotel it has extensive staff quarters and lots of behind the scenes passages and stairways what I like is you go through a doorway and the ceiling height drops from like 15 ft front of house to 6.5 ft in the staff areas.

      If you’ve never seen it I’d heartily recommend the Grand Budapest Hotel for great hotel comedy

  • Kelly

    I was working on two blog posts back when HoP was in it’s old Blogger format. They are still on there, if you need something to post. One was a quick article about bottlecaps for use in painting (inspired by all those Fallout fans), and the other was about NMM vs TMM (which I kinda abandoned, since DaveG started doing up a great series on that very subject). The ‘caps one is pretty much ready to go, unless you feel like editing it first, and the NMM/TMM one still needs pics and some editing. Let me know if you need me to finish and polish them up.

    Life really DOES get in the way of anything else worthwhile (like hobbies), eh? If it wasn’t for all these “grown-up” things I have to do, I’d certainly have a lot more fun.

    As for working at a hotel, I used to manage the front desk of a smaller (74 rooms) one right after I finished (ie dropped out) of University. It wasn’t a bad gig at all… even to this day, I find the cheery “ding!” of a silver bell quite lovely.

    • Dragons Claw

      Hey Kelly you would have to talk to some one who wasn’t a rampant technophobe about retrieving old posts 😃

  • MerryVulture

    Not sure if I’m a commentator, lurker, riff raff or hanger on, but I sure am glad to see the lights coming back on over here. I was drifting dangerously close to (shudder) becoming a mature adult. I think I need a drink just thinking about it.

    • Dragons Claw

      I’m not sure the mature adults are quite ready to count you amongst there number yet either 😉

      Good to see ya though merry

  • Zab

    Thanks goodness. i see the assassins have failed. I really thought you were all dead. holy shit a post from the slimy alien too? WTF is going on?!

    • Dragons Claw

      Hey Zab yeah close run thing with the assassins I’d be obliged if you didn’t send anymore 😀

      • Zab

        They were the only things that i thought could probe the houses defenses and maybe report back. All the others i asked just shook their heads and walked away like i was wasting their time – EVEN THE NINJAS o_O

        • Dragons Claw

          Well me and the ninjas have some history. How did you think I got my ninja suit 😛

  • Sheesh you’ve had a rough year! Good to see you back mate. Like everyone else I haven’t played a game for ages but I’m about to start playing the old Cyberpunk 2020 RPG, which should be interesting.

    • Dragons Claw

      Hey James yeah its been a bit of a year but it’s a year that needed to happen I sorta feel like I’ve spent the last few years in a kinda stasis or a holding pattern and now I’m beginning to get on with my life again