Dragons_Claw’s rather random tour of the House


So four years of careful infiltration work has finally come to fruition. Management has changed and the House has recently received a masive remodeling but through it all I maintained a presence each apparently random act, slightly off topic and apparently meaningless comment edging me ever closer an endgame that nobody was prepared for. Here I am at the controls of the house clad in my Ninja suit and my nefarious plot is about to be realised………….


Now if i could just remember what that was!!!

You see that the problem with long term undercover missions it just so easy to get a bit distracted and lose yourself in the Identity you have created.

Well while we’re here better explore the reconfigured house as the Desert Fox himself said.

“time spent in reconnaissance is seldom wasted”

Starting in the grounds I see that the laser defense grid is still very much intact and from the look of all the churned earth Bushcraft has been continuing his experiments in alternative agricultural applications, namely growing high explosives. He insists that all the periodic explosions are due the falling leaves from his nitroglycerin tree.




Further into the distance extends the UN mandated three mile de-militarised exclusion zone which always seems to have more gunfire echoing through the deserted streets than something called a de-militarised zone should have.



Unsure as to how far the mine fields extend nowadays I venture back towards the stark the edifice of the House itself. The entrance to the crypts appear to have been cemented shut. Well that has Lo’s fingerprints all over it should never have revealed that as my main incursion point and should probably stopped feeding Dave the guard shark when I was warned too.

The sun is suddenly blotted from the sky and my eyes adjust to the gloom I see the warlocks Arcane Fastness float overhead I could be imagining it but I’m sure it’s orbit is getting more and more eratic.




Porkies shed hoves into view it appears to have gained several new addition and I would swear it appears to be creeping ever closer to the main house.


B4J6JY small derelict shed with antennas in rural wales

B4J6JY small derelict shed with antennas in rural wales

Well that’s strange the doors I exited from a few moments before now appears to be a solid brick wall the house is obviously still in flux. Making my way along the now impervious wall I head towards the carpark before spotting a small basement window well. That could be worth a punt sliding down into the well I start to pry at the edge when suddenly.

Ahh yes this must be a window into GMorts old basement although the man himself is now absent several of his err…creations still remain and some disturbing reports of an individual introducing himself as GMorts the cheerful are determinedly stubborn in their persistence. The basement as always is an area best avoided for those attached to their skin.

Easing up from the windows light well I continue along the perimeter of the house and approach the car park which seems remarkably unchanged the camo nets and empty ammo box still surround one space with DZ sprayed painted in 6 ft high letters on one spot.

Dethtrons red snowmobile is still in place surrounded by candles and weeping pilgrims, it always surprises me how many make it this far gaining entry to the House being such a perilous journey. One new addition does make itself pretty obvious


That’ll be Sabot with an unorthodox parking style.

Being careful of trip wires and trap doors I spot an entrance and brace myself for whatever awaits me in the House. From previous painful and repeated experience I know that just wandering the halls can be a dangerous activity. Spotting an overhead heating duct I leap up pop the entrance hatch and clamber inside. Now that’s better having used these ducts to evade capture for several years I feel immediately at home although the twists and turns have changed with the new house layout.

I suddenly hear a scampering skittering noise getting closer and closer I steel myself for a potentially life threatening situation when a herd of question marks suddenly stampede from a T junction and hare off away from me well that’s not something you see every day





Working my way further along the ductwork I keep moving pausing periodically to listen for clues to my location after my third or fourth stop I detect a clinking noise interspersed with the clatter of keyboards being worked furiously.

Edging forward I peer through a heating vent aghhh yes this is the writers room. They are certainly packed in there now in. One desk remains empty apart from a stack of undead fancier and beard aficionado magazines topped with a fedora a note stuck jauntily out of the band ‘Gone to Wales back for the fresh intake of stabbin interns’.

In one corner of the room the remains of a pen stand empty apart from several pools of an unidentifiable viscous liquid.



I thought it had been a bit quiet Sin is obviously on the Lamb again oh well I’m sure it’s someone else’s turn to fetch him back I’ve still not quite recovered from the last time.

Continuing down I stop at another grate and take a quick glance to find a library which appears much larger than well the whole of the rest of the house this has to be Porkies, Thuloid and Beat Ronin’s influence.




I keep going trying to keep track of all the twist and turns but it’s an object lesson in futility there is no obvious internal structure and I seem to have taken about fifteen right hand turns but never seem to come back to the same point.

There is obviously some strange temporal anomalies going on I’m not even sure the laws of physics are applicable in the house or if they are they are obviously not strictly enforced.

At the next vent I attempt to get my bearings


Well that helps not one jot!


And that even less so! how far into the house have i got has anyone ever ventured this far before getting desperate I start checking every vent



OK its now definitively time to turn back but which way is back? I’m not even sure which way I’m going or where up is any more. A cold feeling of fear creeps up my back when I suddenly notice that all the walls around me are covered in hazard warning stripes. Well that can’t be good. Ironically with no warning whatsoever my stomach lurches up into my mouth as the floor disappears underneath me.
Landing face first I am momentarily stunned as the stars clear from my eyes I take in my surroundings a white board takes up one wall scrawled with ‘priority targets for Kidnap’ this is crossed out and replaced with recruitment there are a long list of familiar names crossed out the only ones left are Captain Kellen and Zab.
The next wall has many, many, many purses displayed upon it. For a person who has just taken an 8ft unexpected fall I get a surprising sinking feeling. As I turn further a large desk dominates one end of the room my eyes slowly pan up to take in Lo leaning across the desk staring down at me a wolfish grin upon her face.
“Hello DC good to see you”
I’ve got a bad feeling about this but she continues quickly as I think she senses my trepidation one hand reaches out and pulls a suspiciously heavy looking purse a bit closer to her. “I have a little job for you”
“This is a xenos retrieval gig isn’t it”
Her spreading grin is all the answer I need.

  • Bush Craft

    The nitro trees may seem impractical but they got us a hell of a tax break for being a green technology. Don’t judge too quickly.

    • Yeah man tax is theft, hang on who are we paying tax to? and whose coming to collect it? I think we need to beef up security ill order another 3 palettes of mines and you get some more razor wire and I think we should put up some sentry towers.

  • zab

    I swear I may be working on a post, but this thing called life keeps interrupting -_- I have some serious writing and hobby mojo right now and I can’t get any time to express it. It seems my old nemesis fate is at it again. I’ll get her yet…

    • Damn accursed life always getting in the way I think we should do something about that πŸ˜‰

  • I haven’t gotten MerryWidow, either.

    • MerryVulture

      Nope, you haven’t. You’ll just have to wait until he learns to type. πŸ˜‰

    • I’m sure you’ll get them all eventually just need the correct weight purse for persuasion πŸ™‚

  • MerryVulture

    wait, so the entry via velvet painting is still closed? Damn. That is where I left my Ardberg 15 yr.

    • At this point who knows could be closed could open at any moment might never have existed at all however adult beverages t nd not to last when left unattended in the house

      • MerryVulture

        Unattended? Not in the least. It was under a box propped up by a stick, with a string attached. How else are you supposed to catch interns?

        • Arghh classic mistake you don’t catch Interns you herd them πŸ˜‰

  • Captain Kellen

    I am flattered that I am on a list. A very short list. Zab is still on the run though and my corner is still safe and secure. Although I hear the dogs… always with the dogs… little ones… with moves about them…

    I rate your ‘non-fiction’ a Photon before it passes through a filter on the Wave to Particle scale.

    • You’ll wish they were Dogs πŸ™‚

      Greatly honoured to receive a rating in my inaugural venture on this hallowed turf so much so that I’m not even gonna Google Photon filter Wave ot particle to find out if that’s good or not I’ll try and chuck you some more corners next time

      • Captain Kellen

        DC, let me let you in on a little secret…

        Some of my ratings have hidden messages in them. For example… yours.

        A photon has the the potential to be a wave or a particle after passing through a specific type of filter… kinda of like Schrodinger’s Cat, where it is both alive and dead inside a box but we don’t know which until the box is opened. The photon can be a wave or a particle but we don’t know until it passes the filter. It’s a complicated quantum mechanics theory I find amusing where the future determines the past. It will take some time to wrap you head around it and I still shake my head at myself when I read it

        In your case your ‘non-fiction’ is a photon (both a good article and a bad article) at the same time on the Wave (A good article) to Particle (a bad article) scale. It’s convoluted I know but makes sense to me in the corner and sometimes it might need to stay there.

        If you need any pictures of the corner for reference you know where to find me…


        • OK I feel like I’m really ‘through the looking glass’ now I feel somehow more knowledgeable and at the same time none the wiser.

          • Captain Kellen


          • Surely you mean possibly πŸ˜‰

      • Captain Kellen

        Oh… I love dogs… and I am allergic to their dander but not as much as cats.

        • I’m allergic to grass pollen yep grass that shit that seems to cover most of the world as long as we’re revealing our respective kryptonite’s.

          How.is life in the corner new arrival doing well? And all the rest of the corner dwellers πŸ™‚

          • Captain Kellen

            The man-child is getting on the Irish Princesses nerves seeing as they are together over the summer months. He has to take some daily medication and it needs to be tweeked so we are both struggling with that…

            Then there is the cheating at games because he doesn’t want to lose. He wants to play the new game I received from a kick-starter called ‘Exploding Kittens’. It’s a nifty little game that takes no time at all to learn and is quick to play. Tonight he tried to hold onto the ‘Exploding Kitten’ in his hand and thus cheated or he likes to ‘pick’ the starting five cards since he likes the ‘Nope-Nija’ and the ‘Laser pointer’ Defuse card.

            We’ve also been playing a game called ‘Brave-Rats’… It’s like the kid card game ‘War’. The sixteen cards are in two groups of eight (a red clan and blue clan). Each card has a number on it and special ability at the bottom that does ‘stuff’. It’s simple and nifty and easy to pull out. I bought it because it has cartoony rats on all the cards. The Man-child tries to ‘cheat’ at this one too… so I’m having to deal with that.

            My newest little prince is doing well at five months now. He doesn’t have any teeth yet but thinks he has teeth and is very frustrated with that. The Irish Princess and I are arguing over his pointy ears and if that makes him an elf or a dwarf. I suspect the dirty undergarments, food everywhere but in his mouth after eating, and his demand for ‘more’ even after eating makes him a dwarf. She thinks since he is thin with pointy ears, giggles, and is quick to grab anything to close to him that makes him an elf. I’m really beginning to think he is a little hobgoblin after thinking about it a bit. Time will tell…

            I have recieved 7th edition 40K rules and a new Dark Angels codex. I’m still on the fence about any new models but a friend has said he will stop by and teach me the new rules.

            If you want to see how I have been doing in Blood Bowl then read my blog. I’m leading up to something at the moment. I will tell you that I am part way through a new ‘skaven’ team and the models are coming out well but I am just to damn tired when I have the free time and it is hard for me to focus on painting. I must get them done because they are just cool models and I think they are going to turn out great. I’m just tired though…

            Anything else you want to know about in the corner… secret hand shakes… passwords… enemies buried under the new grass… Boom Beach…

            Just contact the corner…


          • I struggled with the steppie over temper tantrums when he lost when he first started playing 40k about age 8 maybe 9 the years have gone past so fast they start to blur he almost 16 now he grew out of it although he still not the most gracious of winners unfortunately.

            40k has a strange pull I got a new gaming buddy recently we’ve been playing infinity but I leant him some black library books and he’s keen to get a 40k game on and I may have er acquired the 7th edition rules and beakie codex although I am loving infinity at the moment and anticipating the arrival of some TAGS

          • Captain Kellen

            I like how you put 40K… ‘has a strange pull.’ I miss my ‘beakies’ and their looks while playing them as wolves.

            I’m still in love with Blood Bowl and the people I have met playing the game. The people in my league and in the greater area around the corner are really great and I cannot say that enough.

          • Zab

            Nope! Unless it’s 2 Nopes which make a yep, but some times i have a third Nope. I love that game. For the Agent or Chaos it’s right up there with Angry sheep.

  • The reason I always hang in the multi-dimensional library is that my desk is meant to be in the city on the back of that giant elephant. But the bloody turtle keeps swimming away whenever I try and get near him.

    Welcome to the final stage of initiation into the mysteries. Ask Warlock for your robes, he can get them for you at wholesale prices πŸ™‚

    • Oh maybe there is a purpose to everything then,I hear that turtles can obstinate wankers

      We have to pay for our robes man we need a better Union

      • Thuloid

        There are the “loaner” robes, but they’ve been…altered. Holes cut in critical places. Some sort of sentient mollusk has bonded with the hood. Put them on and you’re likely to feel unseen fingers in places you’ve rarely felt fingers. So maybe totally your thing, who knows?

        • I bet these loaners are supplied by the same people who sell the robes arn’t they. hell robes can’t be that hard to make a hessian sack some purple dye and a pair of scissors we’ll be well away Improvise Adapt and Overcome πŸ™‚

  • Has someone tried to draw a map of the Paincakehaus? That might be helpful for new readers. DC has done a lot of the ground work for us it seems… πŸ˜€

    • I’m not sure that the normal rules of cartography apply to the house πŸ™‚

      • Have you seen maps from the 1300’s? I’m sure the same rules for cartography THEN would apply now. “Here there be dragons.”

  • Cedric Ballbusch

    Sounds like you visited on a really good day. Usually rather surreal around here…

    • I was wondering where all the squid people went too