Gaming on a Budget: Getting Buggered by the Empire, a Review of Sorts

Fair warning in advance, since that’s apparently what we’re doing this week- this post will be a return to form for your old pal dethtron.  If you’re not sure what exactly that means….. you’re about to fucking find out.

It’s on!

I’ll get the budget part out of the way first, since that’s what I’m allegedly here to do.  Simply put, if you happen to be sitting on a few Empire miniatures, it’s time to make an army on the cheap.  Given the recent points increases in the new book, your army list just got a shitload smaller.

Putting it considerably less succinctly, reading through the new Empire army list was akin to (but for those out there who take this kind of shit literally, not actually like) slowly shoving a broom handle coated in lemon juice down my urethra.

Really not sure if I’ve ever been as let down by a book as this one.  The new models, barring perhaps the Griffon, mostly look like shit.  Hey look at us, we’re knights riding seriously 1-dimensional panther chickens.  Look out or we’ll yell at you really loud!

Ok, so the models are kind of ass.  The laser wagon and all the other new crap don’t really do it for me.  Plus, GW missed a golden opportunity to fix those shitty ass state troop and handgunner models- man do those suck.  Don’t believe me?  Crack open a box and behold the precision detailing as bags blend into pants and be stunned by the lack of character and depth in the sculpts.

Yeah, still not a happy camper.

Let’s get something out of the way real quickly- like the one positive thing in this whole mess.  I kind of want warrior priests now.  They got a much needed 35 point reduction and a new set of rules that help buff the shit out of your army, are easy to use, fit into the new magic rules, and generally don’t suck.

Anybody else get a points drop?  Wizards.  Ooh, Wizard lords got a 10 point drop.  Whooopeeee! 

Also I think a few special characters got points drops as well.  So if you really need a Griffon with a target painted right on his ass, go ahead and take Karl Franz, he’s cheaper now.  Also the steam tank is cheaper.  Also it is less good than it used to be.

Knightly orders got a whopping 1 point reduction as well.  wheeeeeee!

Now the fun begins.  The fun that made it really hard for me not to write fuck like 30 times in the title of this article.  The points increases.

Yeah, in a time where points have been dropping across the board with new releases, an already not so great army gets fucked over by a wave of price increases.  Oh boy!

Let’s look at a nice basic, 3 across the stat-line trooper.  Well, they’re now 6 points a pop (1 up from the last book).  Well, the spearmen are still 5 points, but who the hell would take them anyway?

Even free company went up a point.  Yeah, those guys with only the foul stench of being poor to serve as armor went up a god damn point each.  Thanks GW.

Missile troops?  Yep, they went up too (well archers went down a point, but who the fuck takes archers when there are options that don’t eat dick by the bag full?).  9 points for crossbows or handguns!… damn

How about we mosey on along to the specials and see if the sodomizing continues.

Not only does it continue, it gets worse.  The core of the empire army is about to get the shaft.  Artillery has gone way up.  Canons are 20 points more expensive.  Mortars got it even worse, going up 25 points and getting way shittier rules.  Strength 2(6), are you fucking kidding me?  Sure they were a little OP in the new edition/old book paradigm, but this seems all sorts of drastic.

irrelevant interlude before some more favorites get shit on

Now lets’s talk great swords.  Yup, a point a pop.  That’ll help sell the most phenomenally over-priced kit ever.  For those of you still hanging on to the dream that this article will have anything to do with budget gaming, I’ll point this out.  Do not buy Greatswords.  They have one of, if not the, worst $/point ratio in the game.

Well surely Flagellants got a price increase, right?  Of course, since they still have no armor and still have that stupid sacrifice ability nobody would ever use, right?  Yeah, that sounds good.  Too bad they went up 2 points a piece.  12 points for a flagellant?  Nope.

If we take a quick wander over towards the rares things aren’t better- well yes, ass hat the Stank is cheaper, but you weren’t paying attention, apparently because I’ve already been over that.  Helstorm Rockets went up 5 points and still stand no chance of ever hitting anything. 

Helbalster Volley Guns also got bumped up 10 points.  Seems awesome since they’re still tied to that great human BS.  Couple that with their propensity to misfire and you’ve got a real winner.  Well if we’re already getting gouged, we may as well throw in a 65 point Master Engineer to fire this thing.  That’s a great value, right there.

BAH!!!!  Fuck the Empire!  Imma hang up my models and continue working on my Ogres.  dethtron out!

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